Friday, March 18, 2011

Just 3 weeks?

Somehow, that last blog feels like a million years ago. Two things happened in that time. The first is kind of hard to explain because it's be turning out to be a non-event, plus it's also very personal. Let's just say that there was a moment of extreme hope and holding of breath that led to...nothing. I'm still praying about what I was to learn from this. Is it about trusting that when God closes a door He has another plan? Or is it about being persistent, tenacious and fervent to keep knocking on that door? The second is heartbreaking, but easier to explain to you.

A week ago a very dear man died in a traffic accident. Pastor Jim Maher has been in my life since I was 5 years old.  Though he didn't become the Sr Pastor for a few years after that, he was really the first person that I ever related to as MY pastor. All my little girl dreams of my wedding day had him front and center. He loved me and my family. I hesitate to write any more, because to truly pay him tribute would take more time than I have right now.  I traveled to Kansas City for his funeral this week. It's hard to decide when to travel for these types of things since last minute travel can be so expensive. But I knew that this was a life I wanted to honor. I also needed to face my grief and work through it. When I lost my Dad three years ago this month, I smashed down so many emotions because I just couldn't cope. Losing another father figure brought back so much of that pain. Things are still a work in process, but I am grateful to say that my heart is continuing to soften. I can still feel the love I blogged about in my last post. It's not the skipping and dancing sort of love right now and doesn't feel so much like spring time, but it feels like a comforting autumn sort of love. Cozy and crying on God's shoulder.

This weekend I'm off on a little vacation I had planned before all this happened. By tomorrow afternoon I'll be sitting on Virginia Beach breathing in the salt air and letting the sound of the waves refresh me. I've renewed my relationship with books and plan to spend some serious time with them. I'll be praying and reading and probably crying a bit. Sunday I'll enjoy WinterJam in Norfolk (Newsboys, Crowder, Chris August and more).  Hopefully by the time I'm back in the office Tuesday I'll be back up on my feet. My boss was pretty concerned about me today, so I know I must look/sound pretty worn down by this week.
(It's a weird coincidence that my vacation spot is also Pastor Jim's hometown. I'm not sure what to think of that yet.)

In the natural, Spring is almost here. I think that I'll be back there soon in the spirit as well. But sometimes God's season jump out of order for a moment.

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